he knew he would never find the answer. he knew she would never tell him. he knew he would still futilely try and get her to give him the answer. it would never happen but what if she finally relented? finally allowed him a glimpse of herself, a reason for why everything had happened. he knew she would never give away any part of herself.
i spend all my time wondering as i wander along the road of life. i make mistakes, i never truly learn from them. i hate the idea of love but at the same time i am a hopeless romantic.
i create my own myth in my head, reality never lives up to it. i then stand there alone and confused and wonder where it all went wrong. it never went wrong, it was never going there in the first place. i can not seem to read situations or people, i get it all confused.
this confusion building up and adding to the myriad of problems i see. i try and be a better person but this just makes me feel used. perhaps i was used but i allowed it to happen to me as i built a myth in my head. how do i bring these myths down with destroying myself or those around me?
i can not. i turn and run, hide away and hope it will fix itself. it never does and i end building another myth to allow myself to carry on, never fixing the root of the problem. the root will always find another way to grow anyway, so why delve deep into my psyche and sort myself when i can build a new life, it may not be real, it may all come tumbling down but just now it is all i have.
i hold on and start to lay the bricks.
It is all a game. A game we will lose. We need to admit that humanity has made a mistake and love does not exist. We feel it but only in a transient passage, it comes and then it fails. The best idea is not to get caught up in its tangled web when it appears. Admit it and all you really want to do
Admit it, all you really want to do is own the person. You want them to belong to you. They are a good, a commodity, something you want but like all wants it will be satiated the minute you get it, once you have it it will be gone and you will be left with guilt. Why then would you want to carry this guilt until the day you die? Why do you allow it to grow? You are not being true to yourself, do you honestly believe it will last?
It will never last. It never does. We are fed a romantic notion in order to sell us goods, keep us placated. You need to be an adult and have a loving family relationship. Do we need that? Do we need to hinge our happiness on another person? Marriage seems a doomed concept. Separate rooms, mortgage, and a feeling of constant of loathing, that is not loving. It is also not quite hate, it is a human made condition.