wondering/wandering

i spend all my time wondering as i wander along the road of life. i make mistakes, i never truly learn from them. i hate the idea of love but at the same time i am a hopeless romantic.

i create my own myth in my head, reality never lives up to it. i then stand there alone and confused and wonder where it all went wrong. it never went wrong, it was never going there in the first place. i can not seem to read situations or people, i get it all confused.

this confusion building up and adding to the myriad of problems i see. i try and be a better person but this just makes me feel used. perhaps i was used but i allowed it to happen to me as i built a myth in my head. how do i bring these myths down with destroying myself or those around me?

i can not. i turn and run, hide away and hope it will fix itself. it never does and i end building another myth to allow myself to carry on, never fixing the root of the problem. the root will always find another way to grow anyway, so why delve deep into my psyche and sort myself when i can build a new life, it may not be real, it may all come tumbling down but just now it is all i have.

i hold on and start to lay the bricks.

Love

It is all a game. A game we will lose. We need to admit that humanity has made a mistake and love does not exist. We feel it but only in a transient passage, it comes and then it fails. The best idea is not to get caught up in its tangled web when it appears. Admit it and all you really want to do

Admit it, all you really want to do is own the person. You want them to belong to you. They are a good, a commodity, something you want but like all wants it will be satiated the minute you get it, once you have it it will be gone and you will be left with guilt. Why then would you want to carry this guilt until the day you die? Why do you allow it to grow? You are not being true to yourself, do you honestly believe it will last?

It will never last. It never does. We are fed a romantic notion in order to sell us goods, keep us placated. You need to be an adult and have a loving family relationship. Do we need that? Do we need to hinge our happiness on another person? Marriage seems a doomed concept. Separate rooms, mortgage, and a feeling of constant of loathing, that is not loving. It is also not quite hate, it is a human made condition.

 

 

Living

Life, we all want to survive or so we are told. Many of us don’t though. Today I am facing a void, another night spent thinking about the futility of my existence and why do I try. I spent the whole night wondering why I want to burden people so. My existence is a burden.

It is weight and an issue for people I know. I don’t want to talk and the more you tell me to talk, the less likely I am to do it. I want to be alone, I like the dark. I can not face being social now, I have tried it and it eats at me. All I can do is sit and scroll through internet articles, waiting until I can go home. Willing the time to pass, worried that I seem weird by existing. I sit and blend into the scene, let everyone else have a great time and maybe they will think I am loving being out.

I am not but don’t be weird, don’t make it weird. They all know I am weird. Everyone is looking at me, am I narcissistic? I shouldn’t care, I do care but I shouldn’t. Why are they looking at me, why talk to me? Please don’t talk to me, I can’t cope, I think slower, I talk slower and I can’t say what I want as I am too slow. The time has passed. Am I still here?

I don’t want to be here. I want to be in a room by myself and with nothing, nothing I want nothing, the trueness of nothing. No pressure, no need for acceptance, just escape. How do I escape, there is only one true escape. The judging that would come, would my soul escape that? Do I have a soul? I doubt it but would an eternity of this pain be worth the temporary escape? Would it be worse, could it be worse?

Mirror

Everyday I look in the mirror and see lies, deceit and fraud. All the time I get told how driven I am, how determined to succeed I am, how well I am doing. I don’t even try, I have never tried. I move around life in easy gear, never pushing myself but somehow everyone thinks this is success. Continue reading “Mirror”

walking

Walking. I’m always walking. I don’t know where I’m going or why I need to get there. I just know I need to keep walking. I turn this way and that, no particular reason, just following my feelings. Always just walking. I can hear the sounds of life go past, cascading like waterfalls past my ears. Continue reading “walking”

More Free Writing

walking, walking, always walking. yet never seeming to get anywhere, why then do i walk? am i trying to scape from something, someone, something? why would i know? should i know? still always walking, walking, walking.
i think of morality but why? why do i always think of morality? why do i believe in a universal truth that we have to find? how do we even find a universal truth? would i recognise a universal truth? how would i prove it was a universal truth? would people belive it was a universal truth/? would i be the next copernicus?
looking around all we see is humanity failing, failing and yet not trying to fix itself? is humanity trying to finish itself? have we reached the end of the experiment? have we reached the final logical conclusion. is our universal morality finally going to remove our threat to the world. will we then finally able to be free. within our destruction comes our final realisation that we were an evolutionary dead end, an end that evolution should never have gone down. a branch that can kill the whole, seeded from the tree, a kind of suicide branch. a tree trying to rememdy it’s mistake. cutting us off from the rest of evolution and allowing us to wither and die but in our withering and dying we could possibly take the whole tree, does the tree allow us to take some other branches and leaves with us so as to be able to save the rest of the tree. the tree of life is worried.
the tree of life appears in so many religions and thoughts, that we must have already realised that the tree of life is the ultimate truth, the ultimate morality, whilst also telling us nothing of morality, other than we are just a branch of it. we are all interconnected. the Bodhi tree grows the 3000 year peach and then it drops and the seeds give us Yggdrasil. the original sin was that the peach may have been an apple? did the apple know it should have been a peach, did the peach know it should have been an apple. did either fruit wish it was the other fruit?
we destroy fruit, we kill off the bees. with no bees we will have no fruit, no tree of life. the tree will wither and die or will it just allow us to die in order to save the heart? will our branch wither and blacken? become a husk of what it once was? a permament marker to the evolutionary dead end that the tree should never have branched down? the branch will it fall off in the winter that follows our end, will the next spring be filled full of hope and new life. will the new life wonder about the wither branch?
the withered branch will be the permament reminder of the dangers of humanity. a species that was so endeared to itself that it forgot all about the tree of life, forgot that it had a place in evolution, forgot it was a part of a bigger picture, forgot that it wasn’t an anthrocentric model of life.